Tips for Handling Holiday Stress

'Tis the season to be stressed.

There are gifts to be bought, meals to prepare, halls to be decked or candles to light and latkes to fry, family and friends to host, school events to attend—and that elf isn’t going to move itself!

Yes, the holidays are traditionally a busy time, but the anxiety they induce seems to rachet up each year.

We spoke with Associate Professor Teresa Leyro and Assistant Professor Jessica Hamilton, both with the Department of Psychology at Rutgers-New Brunswick School of Arts and Sciences, who share tips to help us reconnect with the spirit of the season when the pressure to curate the perfect holiday leaves us feeling burned out.

There is a lot of discussion about the mental load carried by moms. Any tips for getting spouses and other family members to help shoulder some of this extra work during the holidays?

Teresa Leyro: Unfortunately, moms have ways in which we want things done or perceptions of how to do things "correctly," which is an impediment to having others help. Instead of a task being done perfectly, can it be good enough? Adopting this perspective will help you back off from confrontation, resentment and arguments. If you’re going to delegate, really delegate and let it go. Pick your battles. Ask yourself, does this really matter? What’s the big deal if your kid is wearing the wrong outfit or you forgot a permission slip or someone doesn’t get the right gift? If you want to decrease the mental load and safeguard your mental health by asking for help, learn to let go of the things that really don’t matter.

Jessica Hamilton: It may not be a reality for your partner to suddenly tackle that mental list when they haven’t been carrying it the other 364 days of the year. Review together everything that you want or need to be doing this holiday season. Discuss and decide together what is most consistent with your values. Ask them what on this list is more consistent with what they want to be doing and value – and not just all the fun things. Maybe have weekly planning meetings during the holidays to keep track of how things are going. This is also an opportunity to build in a practice that can lead to more of the life you want to see together year-round.

Why do people feel so much pressure to make holidays magical?

Teresa Leyro: There is so much pressure for magic this time of year, and how this is defined is often a moving target. We ask ourselves, "Am I doing enough?” This is a recipe for anxiety, which often arises from an intolerance of uncertainty and a need to control the future. All the moving parts and pressure for magic during the holidays activate intolerance of anxiety and behavior designed to chase it away, such as buying more, committing to more plans. We prioritize maximizing – needing to know all the options and making the best choice – over satisficing and moving on. We convince ourselves that all is well because we maximized, and if we hadn’t, then, everything would have fallen apart.

Has that pressure increased from generation to generation and if so, why?  Has social media played a role?

Jessica Hamilton: Social media is a powerful tool for connection but also leads to upward social comparison – the process where you compare yourself to someone you perceive is doing better than you. People post their highlight reels – even the disasters we laugh about. It’s curated by that person to project an image they are trying to achieve. Moms in particular see other people who are creating this seemingly endless holiday magic and say "What’s wrong with me that I don’t feel that way or can’t make that happen for my family?" But it doesn’t need to be this way. We can recognize when social media is making us feel worse about ourselves, take a step back from those platforms and temporarily mute or unfollow those accounts.

How can we tamp down on perfectionism? 

Teresa Leyro: What type of parent do you want to be? What type of behavior do you want your kids to see you engaging in? Pause and say, "Does this align with my values or am I adopting someone else’s?" It can manifest in little ways, such as spending an extra 30 minutes scouring websites to save $5 on a gift. If your values are to be more present and engaged, you could instead spend that 30 minutes on an activity that aligns with that value, such as a holiday craft with your kids. Think of all the ways we may not be spending our time in a way that aligns with our values because we are bogged down with doing it all and doing it the right way.

Jessica Hamilton: Instead of telling yourself everything is overwhelming or everything is bad, be descriptive about what things went well. Savor those things and let go of what didn’t go well instead making big generalizations. There is not going to be a perfect day, but there may be amazing moments. Recognize the power of our thoughts. Savoring that magical moment can shift how we think about things and calm our nervous system.

 

How can you prioritize your own inner peace without letting down all those who depend on you?

Teresa Leyro: We all need to engage in basic emotion regulation on a daily basis – including getting adequate sleep, moving our bodies, eating well-balanced meals, and being mindful of how we use mind-altering substances. If we don’t, then we won’t have the bandwidth to cope when things go awry. Likewise, have confidence to say "no" to things that don’t serve you and put you at risk of letting others down. For example, if you commit to the Elf on a Shelf, know you are going to commit to it for X number of years. If that feels antithetical to who you are, then you do you. There is no right or wrong. Maybe the elf doesn’t have to show up until three days before Christmas – or at all.

Jessica Hamilton: Sleep affects your immune system and your mood. You are more likely to have an outburst and less likely to cope when things don’t go as planned when you are overtired. When you are overtired, it is also harder to enjoy the good times. It’s important to prioritize sleep, even if you are busy, so you can show up and be the parent that you want to be and enjoy the holiday magic that you create together. If you find yourself worrying and feeling overwhelmed, set time aside in your day to make lists (and write them down) so that you can let go of those worries, rest, and fall asleep.