Why Valentine’s Day Can Bring Up Big Feelings Even When Things Seems Fine 

Rutgers experts discuss why the holiday can heighten expectations, uncertainty and grief and what real love can look like beyond Feb. 14

Valentine’s Day is widely associated with romance and celebration, but research shows the holiday also can heighten emotions and expectations in close relationships. 

For some, it can bring added pressure around how love is expressed. For others, particularly those navigating loss or transition, it can underscore feelings of absence or uncertainty.

Jennifer Theiss, a professor of communication at the Rutgers School of Communication and Information, conducts research on how couples communicate closeness, expectations and uncertainty. Karen Riggs Skean, a teaching professor at the Rutgers Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology, conducts clinical work on attachment, grief and loss.

The two experts discuss why Valentine’s Day can intensify relationship dynamics and emotional responses.

Why does Valentine’s Day tend to heighten emotions and expectations in romantic relationships, even when nothing else has changed?

Theiss: People tend to have a culturally scripted idea of what a romantic partner is supposed to do when it comes to Valentine’s Day, so what people choose to do – or not do – to express their love for a partner on this holiday takes on added meaning as a signifier of how much they value the relationship and how invested they are in maintaining it. 

If an individual doesn't do the types of things that are typical in romantic relationships around Valentine's Day, such as giving gifts, going out on a romantic date or expressing sentiments in a card, their partner is likely to be disappointed and dissatisfied that the relationship doesn't conform to cultural norms and expectations.

Valentine’s Day can be especially difficult for people who are single, recently divorced or grieving a partner. What emotional challenges do you most often see this time of year?

Skean: Human beings are wired for attachment, to feel close and bonded with other human beings. Our deepest fears and pains are ignited when those bonds are broken or absent. 

Valentine’s Day doesn’t create these difficult feelings, but it magnifies them. If we are without a partner on a day that equates happiness with being partnered, we can feel shame or a sense of being broken. If we have lost someone to whom we were bonded, the reminder of that loss can feel especially poignant.

Why is loss so difficult to process, and how can holidays like Valentine’s Day intensify it?

Skean: We all have narratives about who we are and how our lives will unfold, whether consciously or unconsciously. When reality doesn’t align with that story, we are disrupted. 

Valentine’s Day can be a moment of sharp contrast, when the narrative we held collides with where we are in our lives right now, prompting questions like, “What went wrong?” or “Why didn’t it work out?”

Grieving is a necessary process for moving through loss, allowing us to say goodbye to what was to open space for a new narrative. Though painful, this process can help us understand that our lives and loves may not unfold according to plan – and that new dreams and meanings can still emerge.

For couples going through transitions – new relationships, long-term partnerships, conflict or uncertainty – how can Valentine’s Day intensify underlying issues?

Theiss: When romantic partners are going through a transition or experiencing a lot of turmoil in their relationship, two relationship characteristics may be heightened that can intensify their reactions to a partner's behavior around Valentine's Day. 

First, transitions tend to increase relational uncertainty, meaning that people have more questions and doubts about how they feel about the relationship, how their partner feels about them, and what the future of the relationship may be like. This uncertainty can make people unsure about what they should do for their partner on Valentine's Day, what actions might be positively or negatively received by their partner, and if or how their partner will show them love and affection.

Second, transitions create opportunities for a partner to interfere in one's goals and routines. A partner who fails to express their love in a suitable way on Valentine's Day can be perceived as interfering in the other person's goal of creating a romantic climate around the holiday. 

These two factors – relational uncertainty and interference from a partner – tend to make people more reactive to interpersonal events. As a result, something that might otherwise feel minor, like a partner forgetting to buy flowers, is more likely to escalate into conflict and produce more intense hurt feelings when these relationship characteristics are heightened.

What are some healthier ways couples can communicate around Valentine’s Day to reduce pressure and avoid disappointment?

Theiss: Couples should try to be direct and explicit about their expectations for Valentine's Day. Disappointment and dissatisfaction are likely to arise when a partner doesn’t live up to unspoken expectations. People place different levels of meaning and importance on the holiday, so a partner may not realize how significant Valentine’s Day is unless that is clearly communicated.

Some people worry that it feels less romantic or genuine to talk openly about expectations, but these conversations can reduce stress, hurt and conflict when the holiday arrives. When affection and appreciation are part of everyday communication, the pressure surrounding a single holiday tends to diminish.

Alternatives like Galentine’s Day have grown in popularity as ways to celebrate friendship and chosen family. Why do these kinds of connections matter so much, especially for people navigating loss or transition?

Skean: Alternatives like Galentine’s Day offer a creative counterbalance to the idea that happiness must come from a conventional romantic relationship or a traditional family structure. It’s a positive development that friendship and chosen family are increasingly recognized as meaningful and worthy of celebration.

Especially after loss, strong connections with friends and community can make a profound difference. Our attachments are not limited to romantic partners. The richer our relationships with friends and chosen family, the better equipped we are to navigate grief and transition.