Students explore how to maintain bonds
First-year student Michelle Chawla isn’t worried about losing touch with her best friend, Michelle Mikhno, when she moves to Rutgers this fall. They’re rooming together —despite warnings from parents and other friends that it might be a bad idea.
“We don’t have to be together 24-7, but we’ll always be able to talk at the end of the day,’’ says Chawla, of Rockaway. “We just know each other so well. I know all her habits and she knows mine, even the gross ones.’’
Maintaining bonds with high school friends and romantic partners during college is a challenge most first-year students face. But even in the age of social media, where staying in touch has never been easier, the transition can be marked by anxiety, especially for students who don’t live in New Jersey.
Some wonder if old relationships will dissolve when pals are far away. Others take comfort in the fact that some high school friends will join them at Rutgers, even if they’re on different campuses. And then there are students who severed ties before packing and never looked back.
According to Jennifer Theiss, an associate professor in the School of Communication and Information, transitions have a deep impact on relationships, often creating insecurity and conflict. “It results in lot of turmoil, people are trying on new identities and doing things they might have been hesitant to do in high school: going out to parties, joining a new athletic activity. Old friendships can be perceived as interfering with this new and exciting self. It’s a time that can create a lot of doubts and opportunities."
First-year students are most vulnerable during the period when they’ve separated from clo
se friends but haven’t found new ones to fill the void, says Patricia Woodin-Weaver, a psychologist with Rutgers counseling and psychiatric services.
Her advice is standard, but effective, she says: Attend orientation and welcome events in dorms, join clubs and realize that others students may be in the same boat and would welcome the chance to connect. If loneliness and sadness persist, students should seek counseling.
“That time when they’re between the two worlds is exactly the period they should look for support,’’ Woodin-Weaver said. “One of the errors so many people make during this type of transition is assuming we’re all alone and no one’s going through what we’re going through. But other people are going through it, too, and they probably want to share their experiences with you. So it’s okay to talk to about it.’’
For Lieu Huynh of Washington, D.C., the thought of finding a new group of friends at Rutgers and leaving the security of high school friends is intimidating, especially since no old friends will be nearby.
“It can be hard for me to make friends sometimes because I’m shy. But I’m not shy around my high school friends. They understand me,’’ said Huynh.
Some incoming first year students had already made elaborate plans to hang with friends who are going to far away schools.
“My best friend since third grade is going to school in Rhode Island so we found out how much train fare is and figured how often we can visit each other. It’s about $100 both ways so I think I’m going to be spending a lot of money,’’ said Lucas Boettcher of Moonachie.
The process of forming new friendships in college and finding space for old friendships can help students figure out how to manage their time and resources, said Woodin-Weaver. “One of life’s great opportunities is to learn how to set boundaries that make the most sense. They have to decide how much time to spend with new friends, how much time to devote to old ones and how to get their work done,’’ she said.
Theiss says the key to maintaing friendships after high school is accepting changes in identity and lifestyle. “It’s important to not hold other people back or criticize the transitions they’re going through,’’ said Theiss. “I hate to say it, but they may find their friends change in ways that are unpleasant.”
Ovie Enaohwo, who is from Union, has seen older friends change once they went off to school. “One of them is more distant. The other isn’t the same,’’ he said.” I just want to remain true to myself. I’d like to keep up with people, but sometimes you just lose contact as you make new friends. I’m hoping people won’t change too much.’’
Like many high school students in romantic relationships, Enaohwo decided that attempting to remain with his significant other wasn’t realistic.
“I resolved that at the end of senior year. We’re both going away to different colleges, so we both agreed to end it,’’ said Enaohwo of Union, who broke up with his girlfriend.
Aravind Sridharan of Monmouth Junction isn’t too concerned about losing touch with friends. Most of them are coming to Rutgers. But even he recognizes that once the semester begins, things could change. “Once you make new friends, you probably won’t see the others as much,’’ he said. “But at least they’ll be around.’’